Monday, 24 December 2012

The True Story of How I Met Your Mother

Kids, this is the story of How I Met Your Mother. And, thankfully the story does not span over 8 Seasons of endless, repetitive, boring comedy.

I will try to keep it as short as possible.

Episode 1

"The new neighbors are moving in today", mom shouted. She seemed so excited. I dragged myself out of bed. I wake up at noon when there are no classes. That is something that has not changed or even shown the signs of changing till now. The year is 2003. It is winter and it was quite cool even though the sun was right above my head.

"Will you please get your ass out of bed, John?"

"I'm up already", I screamed

I am in class 12, going through the worst time of my life. I was a “nobody” at school. Almost invisible. All I wanted was to fall in love. I sucked at studies. Cricket was my favorite pastime. I had no idea of what to do with my life. I was fat, dark, and far from handsome. I wasn't rich too. Hence I fell in a category where I was not a nerd, a loser, a dude, or gay. Not many fell in this category.

And to top it all, the girl I was gaga over, Susan, was so gorgeous and outgoing that I was the perfect mismatch for her.

There is so much peer-pressure on you at this age that you have already contemplated suicide as the only option several times in your head and also have a few drafts of suicide notes handy. This is the time when you take those who care about you for granted. You think it is perfectly fine to shout and scream at your mother for everything that goes wrong, i.e., the biggest mistake of your life. Wish somebody had told me then that I will repent it later

"The new neighbors are moving in today", mom said as I walked into the living room.

"Yeah. So?"

"The girl is your age and the guy is 3 years younger to you"


"Don't act like that. You know that they are also related to us. Just go give them a helping hand"

The fuck I will, I said to myself. I did not respond to that. Somehow, mom thought that my silence meant that I was going to actually go help those people.

"You know, that girl came 9th in the whole state in her class 10 exams. She is surely expecting a rank within 3 this year too."

"Oh! I already hate that bitch" I mumbled



"O.K., so just go give them a hand...."

I walked back to my room and shut the door loud enough to make things clear.

I am not going anywhere near a thing that tops her class in every exam, I told myself. I do not understand what the big deal with the new neighbors is. They aren't even directly related to us. Honestly, I do not even know how they are related to us.

Episode 2

"He is quite O.K."

"Who?" asked Mom

"Umm... Rob, that new guy"

"Oh! So you are seeing the neighbors?" Mom had a smirk on her face

"Well, isn't that what you wanted? Anyways, I just met the guy and his dad and they are kinda okay!"

I saw her smile. "Did you meet the girl?"

"No", I mumbled. Will you please shut up and let me hear what Neo is saying to Morpheus! I had watched The Matrix a thousand times and yet never missed a chance to see it again.

"She was asking about you yesterday"

For the first time ever, I turned my head away from the part where Neo saves Trinity from a crashing helicopter. I looked at mom expecting to continue. Now, you know how mothers are - she took her own sweet time.

"She asked what your plan for the future was!"

I almost slapped myself. Turned around. Skipped back to the helicopter scene and this time did not pay attention to the rest of mom's conversation.

Episode 3

At 5 feet 6 inches and weighing 72 kgs, it is not a pleasant sight to see me riding the bike to and from school. And the Kerala terrain is not very kind either. So by the time I reach home from school after the usual round of cricket, I am as black as coal and stink of sweat from a mile away. Overall, it is not very good – you get my point.

The only plus point of this treacherous journey was that I got more than enough time to day dream about Susan. Ah… Susan!

I had not even noticed that I had reached home as I pulled up in front of our gate as if in a trance. And as they do in movies, my dreams were shattered by the shrill, high-pitched voice of my evil elder sister – DeeDee (like in Dexter’s Laboratory).

“Hey! Fatso!” She screamed

Grr… I so hated her then. Such a show-off!

Podi…” I said under my breath

“Moooooooooooom! This panni just called my Podi…”

Mom ignored. Phew! Close call.

It was after I put my bike in the garage, locked it, heaved my bag onto my shoulders, and climbed the stairs onto the porch, still thinking about Susan, that I noticed that DeeDee wasn’t alone. I stared at her and she stared right back at me.

“This is Jane. Our new neighbor. You know, Rob’s sister!” DeeDee explained.

I gave a limp smile and said “Hi” sheepishly.

“Hi” she said. No smile.
Screw it, I thought! To hell with her if she doesn't wanna speak. She can’t be good if she is friends with my sister, anyway.

And she ain’t half as pretty as Susan.

I grabbed my bag, glared at her and went in.

She was still staring at me and it was pretty clear that the feelings were mutual – of hate and indifference.

And that kids, is How I Met Your Mother for the very first time.


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