Friday, 13 February 2015

When Did I Become a Mother!

Time is 11.45 pm. My eyes are so droopy and sleep is brushing against my eyelashes. The words forming in my head don't find their way to my fingertips. I just want to sleep. But I won't; cos I so badly want to write a post. Its been almost 8 months since I have written anything here; or anywhere. 

Lil Doe will turn ONE in 2 weeks and 6 days. Its been an year since we embraced Parenthood; and did time just fly in the snap of a finger? No, No way. The year dragged and nagged with a hell lot of sleepless nights, rushed meals, pee, poop and spit-ups drenched clothes, 2 min baths, colic episodes and vaccination horrors. 

When we look back --exactly one year back, this was what we wanted then and this is what we have now. We have our little girl who has already started calling us Amma and Acha! And yes, we are happy, contented and above all, so much thankful to the Almighty!

So coming to the whole motherhood experience.

They say, the moment a child is born, a mother is also born. That motherhood comes naturally to a woman__ that she was born to nurse a baby, to hold it and to take care of it. Even I believed so; until I delivered a small, fluffy human being who knew only to bawl and cry. And then things went haywire.

The moment I found out I was pregnant, I started acting a mother. From having the ideal pregnancy diet to being pricked by insulin needles throughout the day, I did everything best for our baby. But when she was actually in my arms, 2 days old and crying with her red mouth open, all I could do was look into her eyes and cry along with her. 

When I delivered and nurse brought her to me, all I felt was relief. Nothing more. I was wondering where are all those tears of joy, where is that ecstatic feeling I have read of? Relief was all I felt, relieved that it was over!  And I kissed her for the first time and felt happy, more for getting a healthy baby than becoming a mother.

Blame it on post natal depression or the horrendous post natal care (vethu in malayalam), I was crying for almost a month daily.  Me and baby were wrestling everyday during our nursing sessions. She was reluctant to latch and I felt miserable with the pain and disappointment. Every one who visited were ready to give advises on the drop of a hat and that made it worse. I wanted to talk to her and sing to her while she suckled and fell asleep. But I was too eager to hand her over and get some sleep of my own. 

Sometimes I wondered, why am I so detached to her? She is the perfect little thing that anyone can have and she came from me. Where was all that lullabies I practiced, all those things I had in mind to tell her? I could see John singing songs and putting her to sleep so effortlessly and I felt jealous. 

One month went and my body was getting back to normal. Slowly and gently we started to bond. I realized that I could talk to her about anything under the sun and she would listen to me with her eyes wide open. And sometimes she smiled. I started making up new lullabies exclusively for her and eventually everyone started singing them. By the time she was 3 months, she would very well respond to my voice and songs. 

And then we came back to Bangalore. It was just three of us here in our own world. I was with her 24/7 and she was growing up very fast. Nursing was no longer hectic but then, weaning started. We would spend afternoons playing and talking and singing till Achan came back from office.  She started picking up words and gestures and is constantly entertaining us. 

Then I realized, when I gave birth, I was just a woman who had to go through a lot of pain and worries. But as days went by, I started caring for another person unconditionally. While I was going through excruciating physical pain, I could no longer think about myself but about her. About nursing her,  bathing her, giving her vitamin supplements and above all keeping her healthy. I could no longer think of sleeping till noon on weekends, drinking my favorite cocktail, eating anything without checking the nutritional information, or taking long cozy baths. That was when I embraced motherhood, with its true glory and elegance. And I am happy being her mother. For all my lives to come. 

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